The Middle Seat – Afraid to Fly and Agnostic

As a former theology student and currently an airline captain (and therapist) who works with fearful fliers, I would strongly suggest that the way God is known to us is – not by imagination of some being – but by the God-like-ness that is experienced in other persons. I have found in my work that clients whose religion is based on a CONCEPT of God can not master their fears, but those who find – with another human being – a moment of profound connection (as Martin Buber wrote, "I-Thou") and link that moment to challenges such as flying, they master the fear because the experience of God is real, not just a concept of God.

Some clients have told me that when they see there is a priest on a flight, they aren't fearful because they think, "God won't take them to get to me," as there seems to be (for some) a feeling that taking a flight is God's chance to get them – as if one needs to fly to give God that opportunity. Interesting. And, several times, I have taught the course I do at Fairfield University, a Jesuit school. I was amazed how many priests and nuns showed up. I kidded them about "Where's your faith?" and they in good human said that they had faith nevertheless . . . . They also were amused about the idea that their being on-board helped other passengers, but one said, "It doesn't work for me!"

In terms of psychology, a hormone (oxytocin) is produced when there is a moment of profound connection with another person in which, because they feel your feelings, they cannot injure you without hurting themselves. Thus, that empathic connection does provide safety. And in those moments, oxytocin shuts down the fear system. So, in the method I use, I link a moment that produces oxytocin when recalled to each moment when flying, and that provides control of the anxiety. That's why I suggested that a direct one-to-one experience with another person is powerful in controlling anxiety (through oxytocin release) but a concept – nor prayer – is not so effective as it probably doesn't release oxytocin.

Though you may have a different experience, mine is that our real experiences of God are found in relatedness to God in other people, and that our access to an experience of God other than that is quite possibly not what we think it is. In other words, I'm not sure God can be experienced in any way other than within another person.

Whether that is true or not, I do feel sure it is the special connection found with another person that provides the comfort emotionally, though intellectually we can think of God in control and not necessarily gain emotional control.